Mommy Dearest

So I went to visit my mom today and then I started to wonder.....Why is it that when with your mother you revert back to being a child? You just want to cry and release your tears and hope she hugs your pain away. Only when she holds you this tends to release the demands even more and you basically lose it.
We visted for a bit, she told me my issues and I agreed.....yet she didn't know why I felt that way...hmmmm Like mother like daughter maybe? Anywyas it was nice to see her but once I left the tears left too...thank god!!!

Plan Schman

Ok so my mom asked me today what my plan was.....and to be honest I don't have one yet. I have some ideas of what I want to do, just not sure which way to go. Then I started pondering....why is it so important to have a "plan"
For the past 9 years I have let a plan take charge and look where it's gotten me. I am no better now then I was 9 years ago. Yes I have more life experience but with that comes other things.....I refer to it as BAGGAGE!!!!
Back to the plan thing....my last roommate had a bulletin board of his 5 and 10 year plan on it.....and when I would be in his room talking to him the "plan" would mock me....I am serious literally mock me!! Like a 5 year old kid saying "nannie nannie nannie....you don't have a plannie" I actually thought many times of erasing his plan just for shits and gig's-sorry Joe. I could just imagine the look on his face like his dog just died or something...wait the dog was mine that doesn't work....lol
I guess my real plan is to not have a "plan" and to not let a "plan" dictate the person I am or want to become.
Maybe I should just have a daily plan, example below:

Aug 19, 2010:
Don't dehydrate, shrivel up and die in the AZ heat!!!

I mean after all it is good to have goals...isn't that what they say?

Sleeping Log

I am sleeping a bit better.....up to 3 hours at a time now. And  when I can't sleep I read for a bit....never thought to do that. I used to just play solitaire on my phone for like 2-3 hours what a waste of good rest time!

Some Like It Hot

    So I am here in AZ and I thought the sun and the pool would occupy my time...but that is far from the case. I got to the sweltering heat yesterday and yes I grew up here and have family here...but I don't remember it being this freaking hot!!! Maybe I have been spoiled by living in the OC for too long.
    It didn't take me too long to get to Phoenix but to my Dads house in Chandler AKA Hell.... well that was a whole different story. My Dad is very funny...letting me know his schedule as if I plan on disturbing him during his morning rituals.....and what not. He of course went to bed early and I stayed up trying to hook my computers up to his internet....big fail!!! He knows nothing of his internet so I am still SOL using his computer at the moment. Its too bad because I have some pics of my mini road trip here and also the killer Monsoon there was and is going on right now.
    As for the ex thing.....its getting better but I still think I am a huge piece of shit. Just can't get my head around if two people love each other deeply but drive each other nuts at the same time.....WTF does that mean?? I feel that is my karma for something in my past...somewhere along the way I screwed the pooch on love karma and now its mind fucking me in the worst way!!!
    On a good note I saw my bestie (yes you Katie) today and her mom who I have known for years! 18 years to be exact but who is counting. She is fabulous as usual, happy and all put together and then I look at myself and think....where did I go so wrong? Again chalking it up to Love Karma. I was very excited to see her mom Sue....she is just a naturally healing person and already she made me feel better. She just says the right things in the right way to make the sadness dissipate for a few seconds at a time....and right now that is all I can ask for. A few seconds at a time then a few minuets...then days and sew on.
    Katie's Mom gave me a number to a person/therapist to talk with....she is supposed to be more on the spiritual side and not the church side so I made a call as soon as I got in my car. Meeting with her on Friday so I will let ya all know what she said. I hope to have my internet up asap so I can post pics and everything.
All in all today was a good day....going to attempt the gym tomorrow hope I don't pass out from over heating!!!

....

    I realize I need to go for some serious RnR....but I am fighting it big time. Its the end of an era for me, the end of a love I never knew or thought I could know...or even wanted to know for that matter.

    Not only am I waking up in the middle of the night feeling like the wind got knocked out of me.....its happening when I am awake now. It's like I lost something and searching for it in a panic.
    It's crazy because my head tells me it's time to move on but my heart is fighting it big time. Who even said "follow your heart" must have stayed in a bad relationship for far far too long. I guess there comes a point when you have to realize: no matter how much you love someone it doesn't mean you are meant to be......

My Dad's advice...

   The honeymoon will end, that really isn't love at that point. The trick is to find someone that puts your interest first then you put their interest first.....then your both meeting each-other's needs.
Hmmm seems simple enough.......

Barnacle Blues

So I have decided to leave Monday morning....which means he will already be at work when I leave. So I will have to say goodbye either the night before or be rushed in the AM. Most likely I will cling to him the Sunday night like a barnacle does to a boat. But I feel validated in that since this will be my last time seeing him. Last time seeing him....I can barley utter the words. Its sad that after all the crap he has put me through that I still love him. Ummm anyone know a good therapist? lol

Oh yeah I know I haven't really explained how he hurt me so bad.....but I'm sure it will come out slowly.

And I have Angle tickets tonight.....we are going together....crazy I know but its out last outing in the OC......