stumble.....to fumble, lesson learned

  Ok so I was going thru some stuff making sure I didn't leave any of my things behind...ok not really I am leaving a ton of stuff at his place just in case I need an excuse later. Don't act like you have never done it...lol But in my mists of fumbling thru stuff I found letters and cards I gave him in our happy time. He once said he threw them out....which kinda did some damage to my ego. But I found them and I am happy he didn't really trash my love letters....but sad because yes I read them...and read them and read them. Just another reminder of how much I did and still do love him....fyi I am self aware of how lame I am but what can I say this guy is my pink slip holder. We all have one....that one love that can never be topped. Now that is sad to think about......can't be topped. So the feelings I had when we were in deep love will never be felt again...at least not at the magnitude. Its a sad sad day I tell ya. 

   Oh yeah I had a flash back today to when we were unpacking his stuff at my place....I was commingling our DVD's and in my head I said 

"oh I don't need to keep these separate, what is the point we will be together forever....."

Yeah I know I just puked in my mouth too....

So I guess the most valuable lesson out of this is NEVER commingle your DVD's because love is a son of a bitch and ya never know where it will lead.....

throw back to just one of our break ups....original email 11/10/09

today I was asked for some more drama...I would like to ease you in slowly......this is not even close to the tip of the ice burg!

---

Subject: Nov 10
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 2009 08:07:37 -0800
From: mindyf@octitle.com
To: mindyf_81@yahoo.com; mindyf_81@hotmail.com

Sometimes you have an extra bad day recovering from a “great love” and you think the only thing that will make it better is to talk to that “great love”…..big mistake!!!! It just makes you feel worse because they seem so happy and non effected by the whole situation.

Or even worse they say they are thinking about you too. One would think that would be a good thing to hear…..there are two ways it can go: one you feel satisfied that they are missing you as well. or two you think if I am missing the hell out of him and him vice versa then why can’t we just work it all out? It just drives you deeper into WHY couldn’t you make it work when both of you clearly care for each other so much. Lesson is don’t contact your “great love” even if you think it will make you feel better…..with that said I know I will still talk to him. I am a glutton for punishment, what can I say J

We used to be happy.....until we wern't

To blog or not to blog after a glass of vino??

    So yes we are broken up....but I am still at his place until Monday...I know lame but it is what it is. 

Right now he wants to play...you know what bugs me.....GAME ON!!!!!

Him: "It bugs him when I talk during TV"

My rebuttal:

"Well my love if I didn't talk during TV or your LAME video games.....we would never speak. 

His rebuttal:

"See...your doing it again"

My rebuttal:

"Touche my friend touche"

2:30AM Epiphany

To quote one of my favorite movies.....HOOK
"its like lightening has just struck my brain" (insert british accent here)

I awake every night a few times.....chest pumping out of breath as if the wind has been knocked out of me.....but its at those times I realize certain things, case in point:

In my mission to please him......I somehow made myself miserable....how the F did I let that happpen??
Sometimes I don't even recognize this person I have became over the past 2 years.

Mindy where did you go?

Regrets...

    Often when I can't sleep, (which is very often) I think about things I could have done differently....
I could have said things in a better way or just not have said anything at all or reacted in a better manor. I always think if I did it differently I wouldn't be at such a low right now. But who knows even if I played the hand to perfection.....it still could have fell apart. It's easier to blame yourself then to think that this was all meant to be. In my warped head right now I feel like if this is meant to be then why does it feel so wrong?
And let me add....if one more person tells me it takes time....I just might stick a needle in my eye!!!!
Ok enough of my mini rant...really off to bed right now.

Breakdown 2 Breakthrough: The beginning of the end

Breakdown 2 Breakthrough: The beginning of the end: " Everyone goes thru breakups.....but for some reason this one is hitting me like a ton of bricks! Just thought I would share my story, ..."