Mommy Dearest

So I went to visit my mom today and then I started to wonder.....Why is it that when with your mother you revert back to being a child? You just want to cry and release your tears and hope she hugs your pain away. Only when she holds you this tends to release the demands even more and you basically lose it.
We visted for a bit, she told me my issues and I agreed.....yet she didn't know why I felt that way...hmmmm Like mother like daughter maybe? Anywyas it was nice to see her but once I left the tears left too...thank god!!!

Plan Schman

Ok so my mom asked me today what my plan was.....and to be honest I don't have one yet. I have some ideas of what I want to do, just not sure which way to go. Then I started pondering....why is it so important to have a "plan"
For the past 9 years I have let a plan take charge and look where it's gotten me. I am no better now then I was 9 years ago. Yes I have more life experience but with that comes other things.....I refer to it as BAGGAGE!!!!
Back to the plan thing....my last roommate had a bulletin board of his 5 and 10 year plan on it.....and when I would be in his room talking to him the "plan" would mock me....I am serious literally mock me!! Like a 5 year old kid saying "nannie nannie nannie....you don't have a plannie" I actually thought many times of erasing his plan just for shits and gig's-sorry Joe. I could just imagine the look on his face like his dog just died or something...wait the dog was mine that doesn't work....lol
I guess my real plan is to not have a "plan" and to not let a "plan" dictate the person I am or want to become.
Maybe I should just have a daily plan, example below:

Aug 19, 2010:
Don't dehydrate, shrivel up and die in the AZ heat!!!

I mean after all it is good to have goals...isn't that what they say?

Sleeping Log

I am sleeping a bit better.....up to 3 hours at a time now. And  when I can't sleep I read for a bit....never thought to do that. I used to just play solitaire on my phone for like 2-3 hours what a waste of good rest time!

Some Like It Hot

    So I am here in AZ and I thought the sun and the pool would occupy my time...but that is far from the case. I got to the sweltering heat yesterday and yes I grew up here and have family here...but I don't remember it being this freaking hot!!! Maybe I have been spoiled by living in the OC for too long.
    It didn't take me too long to get to Phoenix but to my Dads house in Chandler AKA Hell.... well that was a whole different story. My Dad is very funny...letting me know his schedule as if I plan on disturbing him during his morning rituals.....and what not. He of course went to bed early and I stayed up trying to hook my computers up to his internet....big fail!!! He knows nothing of his internet so I am still SOL using his computer at the moment. Its too bad because I have some pics of my mini road trip here and also the killer Monsoon there was and is going on right now.
    As for the ex thing.....its getting better but I still think I am a huge piece of shit. Just can't get my head around if two people love each other deeply but drive each other nuts at the same time.....WTF does that mean?? I feel that is my karma for something in my past...somewhere along the way I screwed the pooch on love karma and now its mind fucking me in the worst way!!!
    On a good note I saw my bestie (yes you Katie) today and her mom who I have known for years! 18 years to be exact but who is counting. She is fabulous as usual, happy and all put together and then I look at myself and think....where did I go so wrong? Again chalking it up to Love Karma. I was very excited to see her mom Sue....she is just a naturally healing person and already she made me feel better. She just says the right things in the right way to make the sadness dissipate for a few seconds at a time....and right now that is all I can ask for. A few seconds at a time then a few minuets...then days and sew on.
    Katie's Mom gave me a number to a person/therapist to talk with....she is supposed to be more on the spiritual side and not the church side so I made a call as soon as I got in my car. Meeting with her on Friday so I will let ya all know what she said. I hope to have my internet up asap so I can post pics and everything.
All in all today was a good day....going to attempt the gym tomorrow hope I don't pass out from over heating!!!

....

    I realize I need to go for some serious RnR....but I am fighting it big time. Its the end of an era for me, the end of a love I never knew or thought I could know...or even wanted to know for that matter.

    Not only am I waking up in the middle of the night feeling like the wind got knocked out of me.....its happening when I am awake now. It's like I lost something and searching for it in a panic.
    It's crazy because my head tells me it's time to move on but my heart is fighting it big time. Who even said "follow your heart" must have stayed in a bad relationship for far far too long. I guess there comes a point when you have to realize: no matter how much you love someone it doesn't mean you are meant to be......

My Dad's advice...

   The honeymoon will end, that really isn't love at that point. The trick is to find someone that puts your interest first then you put their interest first.....then your both meeting each-other's needs.
Hmmm seems simple enough.......

Barnacle Blues

So I have decided to leave Monday morning....which means he will already be at work when I leave. So I will have to say goodbye either the night before or be rushed in the AM. Most likely I will cling to him the Sunday night like a barnacle does to a boat. But I feel validated in that since this will be my last time seeing him. Last time seeing him....I can barley utter the words. Its sad that after all the crap he has put me through that I still love him. Ummm anyone know a good therapist? lol

Oh yeah I know I haven't really explained how he hurt me so bad.....but I'm sure it will come out slowly.

And I have Angle tickets tonight.....we are going together....crazy I know but its out last outing in the OC......

stumble.....to fumble, lesson learned

  Ok so I was going thru some stuff making sure I didn't leave any of my things behind...ok not really I am leaving a ton of stuff at his place just in case I need an excuse later. Don't act like you have never done it...lol But in my mists of fumbling thru stuff I found letters and cards I gave him in our happy time. He once said he threw them out....which kinda did some damage to my ego. But I found them and I am happy he didn't really trash my love letters....but sad because yes I read them...and read them and read them. Just another reminder of how much I did and still do love him....fyi I am self aware of how lame I am but what can I say this guy is my pink slip holder. We all have one....that one love that can never be topped. Now that is sad to think about......can't be topped. So the feelings I had when we were in deep love will never be felt again...at least not at the magnitude. Its a sad sad day I tell ya. 

   Oh yeah I had a flash back today to when we were unpacking his stuff at my place....I was commingling our DVD's and in my head I said 

"oh I don't need to keep these separate, what is the point we will be together forever....."

Yeah I know I just puked in my mouth too....

So I guess the most valuable lesson out of this is NEVER commingle your DVD's because love is a son of a bitch and ya never know where it will lead.....

throw back to just one of our break ups....original email 11/10/09

today I was asked for some more drama...I would like to ease you in slowly......this is not even close to the tip of the ice burg!

---

Subject: Nov 10
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 2009 08:07:37 -0800
From: mindyf@octitle.com
To: mindyf_81@yahoo.com; mindyf_81@hotmail.com

Sometimes you have an extra bad day recovering from a “great love” and you think the only thing that will make it better is to talk to that “great love”…..big mistake!!!! It just makes you feel worse because they seem so happy and non effected by the whole situation.

Or even worse they say they are thinking about you too. One would think that would be a good thing to hear…..there are two ways it can go: one you feel satisfied that they are missing you as well. or two you think if I am missing the hell out of him and him vice versa then why can’t we just work it all out? It just drives you deeper into WHY couldn’t you make it work when both of you clearly care for each other so much. Lesson is don’t contact your “great love” even if you think it will make you feel better…..with that said I know I will still talk to him. I am a glutton for punishment, what can I say J

We used to be happy.....until we wern't

To blog or not to blog after a glass of vino??

    So yes we are broken up....but I am still at his place until Monday...I know lame but it is what it is. 

Right now he wants to play...you know what bugs me.....GAME ON!!!!!

Him: "It bugs him when I talk during TV"

My rebuttal:

"Well my love if I didn't talk during TV or your LAME video games.....we would never speak. 

His rebuttal:

"See...your doing it again"

My rebuttal:

"Touche my friend touche"

2:30AM Epiphany

To quote one of my favorite movies.....HOOK
"its like lightening has just struck my brain" (insert british accent here)

I awake every night a few times.....chest pumping out of breath as if the wind has been knocked out of me.....but its at those times I realize certain things, case in point:

In my mission to please him......I somehow made myself miserable....how the F did I let that happpen??
Sometimes I don't even recognize this person I have became over the past 2 years.

Mindy where did you go?

Regrets...

    Often when I can't sleep, (which is very often) I think about things I could have done differently....
I could have said things in a better way or just not have said anything at all or reacted in a better manor. I always think if I did it differently I wouldn't be at such a low right now. But who knows even if I played the hand to perfection.....it still could have fell apart. It's easier to blame yourself then to think that this was all meant to be. In my warped head right now I feel like if this is meant to be then why does it feel so wrong?
And let me add....if one more person tells me it takes time....I just might stick a needle in my eye!!!!
Ok enough of my mini rant...really off to bed right now.

Breakdown 2 Breakthrough: The beginning of the end

Breakdown 2 Breakthrough: The beginning of the end: " Everyone goes thru breakups.....but for some reason this one is hitting me like a ton of bricks! Just thought I would share my story, ..."

The beginning of the end

      Everyone goes thru breakups.....but for some reason this one is hitting me like a ton of bricks!
Just thought I would share my story, not really for readers but more for me to get stuff off my chest. I am not a writer, I will have errors in grammar and punctuation but all my words are from the heart....but a badly broken one at that......
    Where to start first.....I guess with a brief synopsis of my once amazing love.
It was I guess you say love at first sight....silly but I knew I loved him the first day I set eyes on him....he literally blew me away. We met at work (I should have know) started dating and within 2 weeks were forgot about the whole world and just had each other. It was amazing.....a indescribable feeling, one I thought I felt before but after him I knew this was different. Our relationship was awesome....we moved very fast because neither one of us had ever felt love like this...yeah i know what your thinking....MORON!!
    Four months later he moved in with me....his cat and all. (I was alergic to boot) At first it was great....we talked about marriage, he even told me to pick out a ring which he bought...I really thought this was the end of looking for my partner in crime.
    Since we worked together in a very small nit department everyone had their hands in our relationship...he was friends with girls that didn't like me which I like to refer to the end of him being on my side. He would go to breakfast with them out to lunch with them, take breaks with them....but he wouldn't even act like i existed when they were around. If he only knew how it felt to be pushed aside day in and day out to be out 2nd to some drama driven co workers set on invading our love and breaking it down.
     My days of being cool with him being besties with these girls was over.....we started to fight about it and I didn't quite know how he couldn't see why I was bothered. I mean he would walk this girl to her car daily...walk right past my desk and not even a glance my way....(btw that so called bestie he walked out with...they later dated and my arguments were actually validated)
    In my eyes that was the start of the end of our great love.....he never understood that making them seem more important then me was the cancer of our relationship. Instead of building our love.....he let it crumble like the Berlin wall.....
    I am tired right now....and since I only sleep about 2 hours at a time with my current state...i better get some shut eye...to be continued tomorrow.